Have you ever boldly farted where no one has farted before?
Have your butt bongos beaten
a bit too loudly or without any warning?
I am sure we can all relate, as most of us have been caught up in that awkward situation (I hope!) where you are
in the middle of having a conversation with your partner/work colleague/neighbour/checkout chick/cash register rooster/another parent, when suddenly you start to cough.
Of course, there’s nothing unusual about that, but then, out of the blue, a fart slips out! Without any encouragement on your part
your body automatically pushes out a fart in answer to your cough that sounds similar to a mouse on a motorcycle.
This is followed by that very awkward moment
where your mind is racing, and you are desperately hoping 1) they didn’t hear 2) it doesn’t smell & 3) you can make an excuse without being too obvious as you can feel another one on its way!
How is it possible that your throat, lungs and anus can all be so intimately connected?
Believe it or not, even though little control was on
offer at that precise moment in time or demonstrated regarding your expressive tush toots, the party in your pants can in fact indicate good health and I can assure you this fact is not just full of hot air?
Its official; Farting is actually good for you! (Hooray!)
Intestinal gas is healthy. It consists mainly nitrogen, carbon
dioxide, hydrogen and smaller amounts of sulphur, the latter which helps create the foul-smelling fog causing many unlucky souls to suffer when sniffing in this intoxicating aroma.
Another farty fact is the silent guerrilla farts often stink and the noisy anal acoustics farts don’t smell as bad despite being more explosive.
average we produce half a litre of fart gas a day and if everything is ticking along nicely, this equates to an average of fourteen daily trumps. There can however be days or situations where you maybe gassier than others and we would all agree that
the quantity and quality of our farts differ from day to day.
Have you ever noticed how you become a bit more liberal with the anus applause when you are on a plane?
But don’t worry it’s not down to nerves, the dreadful inedible food served, or the bottle of champagne consumed within the first hour (although every little helps!); high
altitude causes the gas in our bodies to expand and in turn leads to bloating and then the eventual flow of flatulence.
The big questions always on those
packed commercial flights are; will your crack concert clear the row where you sit within seconds? Will they be loud and explosive like funky fireworks? Or will they be the silent and deadly sort?
Whilst some are odourless, those that contain hydrogen sulphide pack a particularly nasty nasal punch that will make people run for the nearest exit!
Unfortunately, we owe some of our smelliest farts to the healthiest of foods.
Fruit, vegetables, whole-grains, and pulses all generate
a stink. Onions, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and sprouts contain a carbohydrate called raffinose, which the stomach and the small intestine are unable to digest and therefore cause the thunder from down under.
However, farting is a part of life and there are times we must let rip at the most inopportune moments and although harmless, it can be embarrassing!
Although isn’t everything that comes out of your body kind of embarrassing; for instance, the stench of sweat isn’t exactly a bundle of laughs or the bubbles of snot that without warning leave your nostrils can not be deemed your
Cheeky squeaking can be detrimental not only to our social status, but in extreme cases, to our self-esteem as well.
Therefore the most effective and organic way to solve this potent problem is to train yourself to silence your gassiness and on mastering these techniques and taking on board the tips on offer,
you will no longer have to face the fear of social embarrassment or mockery due to your uncontrollable trumpet butt.
To learn how to pass gas quietly in
public, you will need to have courage, shamelessness and the ability to be able to point a finger in someone else’s direction especially offspring if applicable (especially those too young to answer back!) People just expect children to be obnoxious
little bags of noxious McDonald’s fumes so your son or daughter will be the perfect fall guy/gal!
But before you show off your steam pressing your pants
skills in public, it is always wise to do a dry run (here’s hoping!) and tune your trumpet poot correctly to ensure you are in control and able to very gently "eek" out only a small portion of the entire flatulence refraining from letting it all out
in one fell swoop
There are plenty of situations where you will be able to test out your new ability.
A regular haunt I can recommend is in a lift where time is a very critical factor and where you will need to let it go in small bursts as each floor is reached in harmony with the automated voice announcing
your location. Remember to also use the time when the doors are opening and closing and look suitably disgusted at those entering the lift as though they are the guilty ones for the foul smell.
If ever your out of sync or fail to follow these tried and tested methods, then when windy; take the stairs instead.
When out shopping, my best advice is to find an empty aisle and let rip remembering as soon as the dastardly deed is done you need to move away as soon as possible.
A squeaky trolley is a perfect accomplice to breaking wind or choose your moments i.e.; opening freezer doors or rustling packets or stand next to a someone with a baby, fart silently and then politely recommend someone
may need changing!
If ever the moment takes you and you feel that unmistakable sensation of a large pocket of putrid gas that wants nothing more than
to escape your now-clenched buttocks and cause ripples whilst in water or the local swimming baths the best and safest options are to dive into the deep end, fart and swim back to the surface before the bubbles follow you.
Have a splash attack whilst farting, to hide the rising bubbles (always more challenging when you are alone, as you will look like a complete weirdo and cause unnecessary attention!). Alternatively jump in while farting as the water will surround you and the bubbles and no one will smell it underwater. The overwhelming smell of chlorine will also help
conceal any risky ripples you may have contributed to.
As you will occasionally have to let a bubbler go at the office, if you’re a fart ninja use the
noise of your keyboard and remember location, location, location should always be considered. An empty stairwell is a good spot to practice your butt trumpeting or visit and drop one in another department where no one knows you! The latter can
be a high-risk method and only recommended in large companies.
However, sometimes it doesn’t matter how big as there’s an outside chance
that even farting in front of strangers you may be identified as the weird farter and people may start to talk!
Always be ready to blame someone else
especially the person who suspects it’s you after they have caught you rolling your eyes in ecstasy while you paint a fresh racing stripe in your Bridget Jones. You will always need a contingency plan to keep any witnesses silent!
Alternatively wear only magic knickers to the office, so that the elasticated material helps let out only manageable bits of rotten bottom air to escape or simply keep those
cheeks clenched tightly between the hours of 9 – 5!
At the end of the day farting is part of the universal human experience, it knows no borders and every person from
every corner of the globe breaks wind..
So, if all else fails confess...
Clear your throat and cough.....
Sorry was that me?